id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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