he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
