Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
