this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
