So drunk its hurt
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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