you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
do herpes really smell.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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