I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
