I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
