we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
