you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
