PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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