so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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