he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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