I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
