I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
