i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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