Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
