Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
