Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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