my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
