I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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