i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Terrible idea I love it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
