I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's shark week go big or go home
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
