i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A bitchslap is in order.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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