I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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