i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
