I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
