Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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