I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
