i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
