you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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