im about as happy as oj after his trial
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
