I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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