And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
