so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
