i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
