Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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