mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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