i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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