remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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