he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How does one acquire holy water?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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