My sheets look like a crime scene.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I smell like Dick and happiness
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
