Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
