Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
