Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
