i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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