btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
