Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
