YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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