The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
