we have officially lost it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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